For the Longest Time

Even before the whole IF thing, I struggled with being a friend. I have read a number of blogs lately about how, as we deal with infertility, it often becomes more difficult to have certain people in your life, especially those who have kids or those who are dismissive of what a difficult experience this is or people who are just particularly emotionally draining. Many people have stated, and I agree, that our top priority has to be taking care of ourselves and if that means putting a few friendships on the back burner, that’s okay.

For me, infertility has come at a time when I was really beginning to prioritize being a friend. During college, I had a good-sized group of friends. After I left college, I lost touch with many of these people. I think this happened for several reasons. First, I was in law school and tremendously busy. Second, I had starting dating my husband and nurturing our relationship took up most of my free time. The third reason is a little more difficult….I have realized that I have a tendency to think that if I am not around, people don’t miss me. Consequently, it is easy for me to lose touch with people because I worry that they might view my attempts to keep in touch as annoying or inconvenient. As a result, I tend to wait for other people to keep in touch with me.

About a year ago, however, I realized that I didn’t have very many friends anymore. I also realized that to have friends, you have to be a friend. So, I have turned into that “annoying” person who calls and emails regularly. I am still working on it, but I am doing a much better job of reaching out to and keeping in touch with the people I care about who are a positive influence in my life. Most of my friends have responded in kind and most have been more than willing to listen to my IF dramas (of course, I share more with some than with others).

One friend, however, has been a tougher nut to crack. L and I went to college together and became friends during our sophomore year. We were not as close junior or senior year (mainly because we both moved off campus and she started dating someone that I didn’t particularly care for), but we still made time on a regular basis to have dinner or coffee together and catch up. When she got married (to the same guy that I didn’t like) about two years after we graduated from college, I was a bridesmaid. Between the time of her wedding and the time of her divorce last summer (the marriage lasted about three years), we basically lost touch. At one point, I didn’t even have an address to send her a Christmas card, but I periodically thought about our friendship and realized that I missed it.

After I heard from a mutual friend last summer that L was getting divorced, I went on an internet-stalking mission and tracked down her email. I got in touch with her again and exchanged emails with her a few times. She even happened to be in New Orleans in March and we had breakfast together. From what she told me, the time since her divorce has been very difficult, for reasons related not only to her ex-husband, but the rest of her family as well.  Since then, I have emailed her a couple of times, but the only response that I have gotten was a voicemail basically saying that things had gotten worse, but she wanted to talk to me.  Since then, I haven’t been able to get in touch with her.

I am worried.  This is someone that I have known for close to ten years.  I don’t think that she is in any physical danger, but I certainly know how heavy the burden of emotional issues can be.  I want to be a friend; I want to continue to reach out to her for as long as she needs me to.  At the same time, I wonder how long my own emotional well-being will be strong enough to do it.  I don’t know the answer, so for now I will just keep trying.

Today’s title courtesy of Billy Joel.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

For the past few weeks, DH and I have been considering deferring the IVF cycle that we had planned for the end of this month.  There are a lot of reasons to put if off, primarily that between having surgery less than a month ago, then having pneumonia, and being under major stress at work, I am pretty run down. When we take the gigantic IVF leap, I want to be ready for it.  I want to be in the best physical and mental shape that I can possibly be in because I want to know that I did everything that I could to make it work. So, it looks like we will be putting IVF off for about six months.  This decision makes me sad, but I know that it is the best one for our family. However, I am also excited to have made the decision to really focus a little less on getting pregnant and a little more on being healthy.

When I called the IVF nurse at my RE’s office to let her know that I would not be coming in to start injections, she was extremely understanding and even had a few suggestions for things I might look into as part of my quest to become a healthier, rejuvinated, and emotionally stable person.  Specifically, she suggested a nutritionist and an accupuncturist.

I had actually considering looking into accupuncture before, but having absolutely no idea how to pick one (and being a little doubtful that a good one could be found in the greater New Orleans area), I put the idea on the back burner. However, accupuncturist recommended by my IVF nurse has extensive experience working with women who have fertility issues.  I left a message for her and hope to hear back soon.  Anyone have any thoughts, pro or con, about accupuncture (either for IF or for other issues)?

Today’s title is courtesy of Pat Benetar.

You Dropped A Bomb on Me

I know that everyone who has had to deal with infertility has had the feeling that everyone around them is pregnant (except them, of course). This is not an unfamiliar theme, but that sure doesn’t make it hurt any less. I really am happy for the people I know who are having babies, but that doesn’t stop my throat from closing up and my eyes from blinking a lot when they tell me. My mom says that it’s all in my head, but at last count I know six women who are currently pregnant and one who just delivered. Not to mention that a ridiculous number of people that I encounter on a daily basis are pregnant.  For example, last week I had to make a little trip to the emergency room. Not one, but two of the other women in the ER waiting room were pregnant.  Fortunately, they were both there with their significant others (both of whom, incidentally, had the throw-up virus), not because they were having any problems, but a good portion of the three hours that I spent in the waiting room were pure torture just because I had to listen to them go on and on about their pregnancies.  The pharmacist is pregnant.  The lady who helped me at Kinko’s was pregnant. The teenager in the mall is pregnant.  And every time I see one of these people, or hear that another person I know is pregnant, I feel like a bomb has been dropped on me.

By the way, I’m trying something a little new….I have never been very good at coming up with titles, whether for papers, blogs, or even email subjects, so I have decided to let my love for 80s music guide me. Today’s title is the 1982 song by the Gap Band.

Vacation

I am not that into music, but for some reason, I love ’80s pop.  I absolutely love it and I can think of an appropriate ’80s song for almost any occasion.  And so, with my vacation approaching (10 more days!), the song “Vacation” by the Go-Go’s has been stuck in my brain. It’s not that deep or complicated of a song, but then again, vacation shouldn’t be either in my opinion.

DH and I aren’t going anyplace too exciting….first to Birmingham to see friends for a couple of days (and to get a second opinion from an RE there) and then to the beach for four or five days, but it will be the first vacation that we have taken since our honeymoon. Sure, we’ve taken a few long weekends here and there, but this is the first time that we will be away from home/work for an entire week (other than after Katrina, which definitely was not a vacation). I can’t wait.

Now if there was only an ’80s pop song about infertility….