Please meet my “friends” Bovary and Novary

I’d like you to introduce you to my ovaries: Bovary and Novary. Bovary, also known as The Bad Ovary resides in the left side of my pelvic area. Bovary makes himself known frequently by being a completely pain in the ass (e.g., being covered up by two large cysts). Novary, as known as the worthless ovary that does nothing and can seldom even be found on an ultrasound, resides in the right side of my pelvic area.

Last week, my RE decided to go in for a face-to-face meeting with Bovary and Novary.  The meeting did not go well.

The laparoscopy designed to removed two cysts from my left ovary resulted in the discovery that my insides are so riddled with endometriosis that I am unlikely to ever concieve children in any kind of remotely natural way.  Next stop…..IVF.

It’s not that DH and I can’t financially or emotionally afford IVF (well, the emotional part might be a little questionable in my case) and it’s not that I had not considered it as a last resort. The problem is that I considered it a last resort, which begs the question of what we do if this doesn’t work.

In the span of a few short hours, I found myself going from trying the first-step fertility drug Clomid to being told that IVF is my best chance for pregnancy.  I thought there were supposed to be a few intermediate steps here! I thought we were supposed to build up to the thing that costs tens of thousands of dollars and involves my husband giving me shots! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

As soon as the egg retrieval process is over, Bovary and Novary are definitely fired.

Crying a lot, laughing a little

First, an update on the stupid stupid ovaries….after a week of intense pain, I returned to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)’s office for another look at Thing 1 and Thing 2 (my not-so-affectionate nicknames for the cysts residing on my left ovary. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have not gotten any smaller, not even by a millimeter. So, my choices now appear to be to schedule a laparoscopy to remove the cysts or to wait through a few more weeks of intense pain, and then schedule a laparoscopy to remove the cysts. Not being one for pain, I scheduled the lap for Monday. The good news is that while my RE is in there, he can do a full fertility evaluation. Yeah!

I have definitely been feeling very down about the whole fertility issue. A friend who went through similar issues recommended that I check out the message boards at Soulcysters. On one hand, the posts make me feel better that there are others in similar situations and that there are women with PCOS who do get pregnant. On the other hand, sometimes it just increases my feeling that it is never going to happen for me.

One thing that I did come across this week that made me laugh at the absurdity of this whole process (ok, I cried too) is the following (with many thanks to Are We There Yet? – quite possibly the blog that I am enjoying reading the most these days).

You Might Be Infertile If:

1. If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
2. If you have ever counted 1, 2, 3 after sex, and thrown your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
3. If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
4. If you have ever had to flip your pillow over because it is tear soaked.
5. If it has ever felt strange to not take your clothes off at a doctors appointment.
6. If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
7. If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
8. If you circle the days you have sex on your planner.
9. If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
10. If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
11. If the sound of an infant’s cry is the equivalent of pure torture.
12. If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
13. If you have ever tried the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoked after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
14. If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
15. If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
16. If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
17. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
18. If you have ever brought a turkey baster and egg whites into your bedroom.
19. If you have ever had to leave an event because it is a non negotiable nookie night.
20. If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
21. If you feel the need to check your underwear more times in an hour than Brad and Angelina have been photographed in the past year.
22. If you feel bad ass by simply drinking a caffeinated beverage.
23. If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
24. If you’ve ever had to come out of the closet, and you aren’t gay.
25. If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
26. If you find it perfectly normal to pee on a stick, insert it into a machine, and wait to be told if your husband is definitely going to get lucky that night.
27. If you have ever banned a sexual position and lubricant because it isn’t beneficial to baby making.
28. If hearing the words “baby dust” sends you into a raging tizzy.
29. If you avoid baby sections of department stores, baby showers, or infants in general.
30. If you have seen your doctor, shrink, and acupuncturist more than your girlfriends lately.
31. If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
32. If getting pregnant doesn’t technically need to involve sex.
33. If you have ever thrown a pregnancy test, and firmly believe that they are a ploy put out there by big business to make money.
34. If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
35. If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
36. If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
37. If you can’t remember life before prenatal vitamins.
38. You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
39. You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
40. With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
41. You actually hate one of your body parts.
42. You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
43. If the most beautiful picture you have ever seen are your embryos.
44. You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
45. If your husband has gotten some afternoon delight, and it wasn’t with you or in your bedroom.
46. If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm your husband has, or how many follicles you have.
47. If you find it a miracle that people actually mangage to get pregnant.
48. If you completely understand that just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean you will stay that way.
49. You have had to leave a movie theater or change the television station.
50. If you have ever yelled at Gray’s Anatomy or ER for completely misrepresenting the truth.
51. If you can’t remember the last time you bought condoms.
52. If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
53. If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
54. If you can’t fathom walking into a room and saying, “I’m pregnant honey. Surprise!”
55. If after giving birth you actually have survivor’s guilt.
56. If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
57. You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
58. If you refer to events in DPOs.
59. You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
60. You have ever wondered if you are actually having sex wrong.
61. You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
62. You worry that your doctor’s office will think you are neurotic, and you pace the floors while waiting for their phone call.
63. You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
64. You have a stockpile of pregnancy tests from the dollar store, so you don’t feel guilty for wasting the more expensive ones.
65. If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
66. If you could swear that anybody standing within a hundred feet could actually hear your biological clock ticking.
67. If you’ve ever volunteered to put medications in your hind end to achieve pregnancy.
68. If you’ve ever agrued with your spouse about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
69. If you’ve ever had to complete a yearly syphllis test.
70. If two weeks out of every month your spouse treats you like you are made of glass.
71. If people when people talk about their children you are reduced to tears.
72. If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redocorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
73. If you’ve ever called something a frosty and you weren’t at Wendy’s.
74. If you’ve ever considered hugging a pregnant woman just so a little bit of that *something* would rub off on you.
75. If birthdays are just one more reminder that you have one less year to cross the reproductive finish line.

Stupid Stupid Ovaries

My husband makes fun of me because I have a pathological hatred of delivering bad news. I hate to deliver bad news so much that I have been known to desperately come up with the tiniest bit of good news so that I can at least say “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news….”

Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news.

Disclaimer here: Because he knows that there really isn’t any good news, DH always makes me give him the bad news first. But since he doesn’t read this……

The good news is that not only has my health insurance company removed the rider excluding any benefits for “mental/nervous conditions,” they are also (so far) covering far more of this whole infertility drama than I originally expected.

The bad news is that my ovaries are either (1) not inspired by the generosity of the insurance company or (2) really inspired by the generosity of the insurance company and determined to suck every last dollar of benefit out of the insurance company before performing their ovulatory duties.

The short story is that I have PCOS and my ovaries used last month’s round of Clomid to make several (now painful) cysts the size of golfballs rather than for ovulation. Thanks. Thanks a lot. So, no Clomid this cycle and we lose another month. I have spent most of the day staring at my stomach muttering “stupid stupid ovaries.”

It is the strangest feeling to be this angry with my ovaries. On one hand, I really am mad. I am mad that they just won’t do what they are supposed to do. They have one job in life – to ovulate! I am ready to fire them for their lack of satisfactory performance. On the other hand, I don’t want to yell at them too much. I desperately need them and maybe they don’t respond well to negative feedback. Maybe if I just whisper sweet nothings to my ovaries every day, they will finally decide to at least produce a decent egg at the right time and then we would have one step in the right direction.

Or maybe I should just take advantage of my insurance company’s current willingness to cover my “mental/nervous condition.”