Archive for September, 2007


September 28, 2007

Have you ever stared at negative HPT so long that you thought you were going to go cross-eyed?

I have.

I looked for the second line, but not reasonable person would say that one was there. I (being somewhat less than reasonable) almost managed to convince myself that there was a very, very, VERY faint second line.  Emphasis on the almost.

As a result of this morning’s POAS adventure, I have wasted most of the day doing the following four things:

1. Getting weepy.  No full on crying yet, but definitely weepiness.

2. Trying to convince myself that it is just too early and that I really am pregnant.

3. Trying to convince myself that the bulk package of HPTs from China that I bought on eBay are totally unreliable.

4. Reading the Consumer Reports article on HPTs.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s right. I researched HPTs on Consumer Reports.  Clearly, I am in full-on obsess mode, which will be hard to hide from DH this weekend.  He has no idea about this morning’s HPT because he doesn’t think I should test until Monday’s beta.

I think I want to scream.



September 26, 2007

I am a sick, sick, sick person.

I am back at work for the first time since my transfer and I have spent at least an hour looking at maternity clothes online today. I haven’t bought anything yet (that would be totally jinxing myself), but I have allowed myself to make a mental list of things I want if I do, in fact, managed to get pregnant. I know, I know, most women manage to make it at least a few weeks (if not months) into the pregnancy without needing maternity clothes, but the IVF-related bloat already has me out of all jeans and down to two pairs of capris. Amazingly, I still haven’t actually gained any weight (during IVF that is) but my stomach is bloated and having anything press against it (e.g., my jeans) is seriously uncomfortable. I never imagined that full-panel jeans would sound so appealing.

You may be wondering how the transfer went.  The official story is that it went well; two good quality blastocysts were transferred and six more were frozen. The reality is that my transfer sucked and I hope to avoid experiencing that again for a long, long time.  Normally, this is not something I would share with the world, but considering that I had no clue that a transfer could go like this, I feel compelled to warn others.  Warning: TMI ahead….

I was told to be at the hospital at 8:30 am on Sunday, for a 9:30 transfer. When I got to the hospital, I was told that the two retrievals ahead of me were running behind and that it would probably be about 10:00 before I would be taken back. Keep in mind that (1) I have a teeny, tiny bladder and (2) I was expected to go into the transfer with a full bladder. By 10:00, my bladder was full to the point of excruciating and there were no indications that I would be going back any time soon (I had not yet even seen my doctor to sign consent forms). So, I peed and tried to start drinking again.  Long story short, when I was finally taken back at 11:00, my bladder felt somewhat full to me (although not to the point of excruciating), which the nurse assured me would be fine.


Because my stupid uterus is caked with Stage IV endo, it is basically stuck to the back of my pelvic cavity and does not like to move from that location.  Dr. Soap wanted my bladder FULL in the vain hope that it would push the aforementioned stupid uterus down, thus making the transfer easier.  Apparently, what I consider a full bladder and what he considers a full bladder are two very, very different things.  So, lucky me got to be catheterized so that they could fill my bladder to point of explosion with saline.

I had never been catheterized before while fully conscious.  I do not recommend it. At all. Under any circumstances.

So, there I am, crying because (1) getting the catheter was fucking painful and (2) now my bladder is so full I feel like I may die.  DH is on the verge of freaking out because (1) he did not want to be there in the first place (extremely squeamish) and (2) he gets really nervous when I am in pain.

And the full bladder doesn’t move the stupid uterus one bit. So, Dr. Soap keeps tilting the operating table until I am practically upside down in order to try to get a better angle, which also involves repeated (and uncomfortable – remember, bladder is about to pop) readjustment of the speculum.

Overall, it was a very traumatic experience and even if we weren’t on doctor-ordered sex restriction, DH would not be getting anywhere near my hoo-haa. And, of course, the valium did not kick in until it was all over.

Embryos Day 2

September 20, 2007

Amazingly, all 11 are still hanging in there.  My clinic grades on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being the best.  Here are today’s stats:

5 4-cell, grade 4’s

4 4-cell, grade 3’s

1 3-cell, grade 3

1 2-cell, grade 4

I had heard that eating lots of protein during the stimulation phase helps with egg quality.  Given that I spent half of the stimulation phase puking, I wasn’t exactly in the mood for nice big steak (or eggs or chicken or any other protein source), so I drank high-protein Ensure. Maybe it actually helped…….

Post-Retrieval Catch-up

September 19, 2007

For anyone who might be reading this, I did actually manage to make it to the retrieval.  The whole nausea/throwing up bit was definitely rough over the weekend and on Monday, but I was not canceled. I was, however, so dehydrated when I got to the hospital on Tuesday (my clinic does all retrievals and transfers at the hospital next door), that it took two nurses and an anesthesiologist four tries to get my IV started.  They ended up using a neonate needle.  Yes, my poor veins were so withered from dehydration that they needed a needle small enough for a newborn baby. Maybe you should have helped me out when I asked, Asshole Doctor! (Note: I do not think it is a coincidence that the offending doctor’s last name rhymes with POO.)

Anyway, the neonate needle was sufficient to deliver plenty of sedation followed by lots of fluids post-retrieval.  Upon arriving home yesterday, I began eating everything in sight, so clearly the nausea has passed.

And now for the news everyone is waiting on (or at least DH and I)….

16 eggs were retrieved and as of this morning, 11 had been fertilized.

I am trying not to get too excited; a lot can happen between now and the five-day transfer. But really, I can’t help myself.  I am excited and I am hopeful.  I am sure this will bite me in the ass soon. The reality is that I had prepared myself for much lower numbers.  For both the retrieval and the fertilization, I had numbers in my mind and as long as we were above those numbers, I would not let myself worry.  The fact that our number of fertilized eggs is above my bottom threshold for acceptable number of eggs retrieved is wonderful, but frightening.

More tomorrow!

Asshole Doctors

September 16, 2007

Throughout the whole stim process, I have been nauseous. For the most part, this side effect has been manageable, but I mentioned it every single time I went to the RE’s office.  The IVF nurse just kept telling me that it is important to stay hydrated and that I should eat small, frequent meals.  OK, fine. When I was just nauseous and not actually throwing up, that solution seemed perfectly reasonable.

Friday night, the nausea got worse, but I still wasn’t throwing up.  Saturday morning, I felt a little better, but by Saturday afternoon, I was in full puke mode. It’s a little hard to stay hydrated and eat small, frequent meals, when you can’t keep anything down. After much googling to try and determine any possible detrimental effects on my follicles, I gave in and took a phen.ergan. Let me tell you, I was in a state of severe desperation by the time I took it.

Got some halfway decent sleep last night, but woke up really nauseous again this morning. At this point, I was faced with a dilemna…..either call the RE’s office or just continue to suck it up and run the risk that I would be really dehydrated by Monday morning. So, in an unusual move for me (I really try not to be the obnoxious patient who calls after hours), I called the RE’s office and spoke to the doctor on call (not my doctor), who was a total and complete ASSHOLE.

First, he told me that he was “just flabbergasted” that anyone would be nauseous during stims because he had just never even heard of that. Second, he told me that if I thought I needed to be treated for this, that I should go to the ER, which is not exactly a pleasant or easy task in post-K New Orleans.

I should have told him off. I should have pointed out to him that nausea and vomiting are specifically listed as a side effect of Follistim. I should have pointed at that for $15,000, he should personally bring some phen.ergan or zo.fran to my house and give it to me.

Instead, I thanked him for his time, hung up the phone, and started bawling my eyes out. Not just because this doctor was such an ass, but because this whole damn process sucks. I am frustrated that I have to do this.  I am frustrated that I feel like crap.  I am scared that it may not work. And now, I am angry because you would think that with all the $$$ that this doctor makes off IVF, that he could at least pretend to care about the patients.

Stim Day #6

September 12, 2007

So far, things have been moving along nicely.  Turns out that the Follistim pen, unlike my other injections, is much easier to administer in my abdomen than my leg.  Today’s U/S showed 22 follicles, with the largest at 13 mm. Unfortunately, 15 of the 22 are residing on my left ovary along with my two endometriomas.  To say that I am experiencing back pain would be the understatement of the year.  Of course, this seems like a small price to pay for a baby.

After I left the RE today, the nurse called me with my bloodwork results.


“A little high” she says.

Hmmm. I would not appreciate OHSS being part of my future. Dr. Soap has decided to reduce my follistim dose and check me again in the morning.  I don’t seem to have any symptoms other than back pain….shockingly, I have actually lost 2 pounds so far during this process.

Please let this work.

Please let this work.

Please let this work.

Lupron Day Who the hell cares

September 6, 2007

The glamour and novelty of injecting myself with drugs every morning has officially worn off.  AF started Tuesday night and has proven to be her usually pain in the ass self. You would think that because AF comes so infrequently, I would be really glad to see her.  However, actually having AF makes me very happy that I don’t have it more often. My cramps have been so bad that I am basically sitting at my desk moaning.  I am pretty sure no one else in the office can hear me (I am way at the back), but I am uncomfortable enough that I don’t even care.

By the way, cramps + wanding = pain. Usually, ultrasounds don’t bother me (other than the general embarassment and mild discomfort of having a probe up your hoo-ha), but today’s was bad.  The good news, however, is that all BW was normal and I am set to start stims tomorrow night.  Yep, I will now be injecting myself three times a day instead of just once.  In celebration of this honor, I got to write the first of several very large checks payable to my clinic.  I really hope this works.

Seriously? Seriously?!

September 4, 2007

Lupron Day #3

I must have hit some kind of little blood vessel in my leg when I gave myself the Lupron shot because I instantly got a lovely blue bruise about two inches in diameter. Of course, it is high enough on my leg that no one can see it other than DH and me, but it looks nasty.  Afterwards, DH and I left for a weekend in Alabama, where one of my high school friends was getting married.

Lupron Day #4

There is nothing quite like trying to figure out how to dispose of a used needle when you are a houseguest.  I finally just put it back in the bag that I carry my Lupron supplies in so that I could dispose of it at home.  I wasn’t really in the mood to explain the whole situation to my busybody aunt (with whom we were staying) and I didn’t want her calling my mother in hysterics, convinced that I’ve become some kind of IV drug user (don’t think fertility drugs would have been her guess).

Lupron Day #5 (and the good stuff…)

In the middle of last night’s wedding reception, I realized that one of my other friends from high school is pregnant.  How did I know this? For the first time in the last two years, she was not drunk and bitching about her husband. With respect to most people, I really am happy for them when I find out that they are pregnant. Definitely jealous, but happy for them.  Not this time. In fact, I am furious and this is not a side of myself that I like a whole lot.

My friend, G, had her first child the day before my wedding (almost 3 years ago).  At the time, she had been married for a year and a half to a total loser.  At the time that she got pregnant, her husband was unemployed and spent most of his day smoking pot and playing video games. G got pregnant because she “forgot” to take her birth control pills a couple of times.  Since the birth of her son, G has threatened to leave said loser husband (who is now employed, but basically still a loser who shows little interest in his own child) at least a dozen times.  She went so far as to move from the mid-Atlantic (where she and loser husband were living with small child) back to Alabama to be closer to her parents.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), loser husband followed her to Alabama. The last time I saw G was in April, at a mutual friend’s baby shower. Over lunch, G told me all about how she almost left loser husband (again), but now she wants another baby.  She will probably start trying soon.  I really hoped that she was just having baby fever from the shower and that she would realize maybe her situation was not the best for having another child.  WRONG!

So, now she’s pregnant. Based on their actions at the reception, it doesn’t seem like her relationship with her husband is any better.  He has no ambition or interest in children and she cuts him down constantly. They are in debt up to their eyeballs because they haven’t been able to sell the house that they owned before they moved back to Alabama.

Am I just being mean?  I guess it’s not for me to say when it is the right time for someone to have a child, but it seems unfair to this child to be brought into a family where the parents can’t stand each other and they can barely afford the child that they already have.

So I’m angry. I am angry at G because she is smarter than this and her kids deserve better than what they are getting.  But even more so, I am angry at god or the universe or something because this is just so damn unfair.  Why? Why is it so easy for her to get pregnant when she probably can’t give this child a very good life?  Why is it so hard for me to get pregnant? I have a solid relationship with my husband and more than enough financial stability to support a child. I can give a child a good life, maybe even a great life. Or at least I could if I could get pregnant.

Dammit. I can’t even make myself call her to say congratulations.

Lupron Day #6

Lupron headache is now in full force. Co-worker said at lunch today that if she got pregnant again (she has 2 kids), she would slit her wrists. Did we all miss the fact that I am giving myself shots every day in a desperate (and expensive) attempt to get pregnant?